A NEW YEAR - 2023
Life sort of turned upside down
beginning 2019 through 2021.
In Memory of my Mom......................
In 2019 my mother developed vascular dementia that apparently started to wain on her years prior, and kept it to herself until we started noticing that she was making poor decisions and forgetting common things. Thereafter, she experienced a debilitating stroke. We placed her in a restorative and therapeutic recovery program to regain the use of her hand and to walk again. By 2020 she was moved into my home where my daughter and I could care for her, along with caregivers that would tend to her, fix her meals, and help be her companion while we were away at our jobs. My mother's health and mind continued to deteriorate, as she soon stopped walking and was back in a wheelchair, with complaints of leg pain. I quickly placed her in hospice care so that she could receive morphine for her leg pain which atrophy was setting in. The following day, on June 30, 2021, she passed away from a fatal stroke and GI rupture during her sleep. The hospice nurses were so caring as they tended to my mother while she was at her sudden end-of-life moment. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to her, holding her good hand, and watching her struggle to breathe, even though she had an oxygen tube in her nose. The feeling of helplessness was unbearable. The nurses closed my mother's eyes as she had no physical response to them any longer, while life was slowly leaving her body. Her brain was so damaged. On her last breath, I squeezed her hand and told her we loved her. She quickly, lightly squeezed my hand back and departed her earthly body. To this day, the vision of my mother dying still haunts my memories. Mom is now back with my Dad resting in peace in God's hands.
Now, I'm faced with going through all of her cherished belongings, while I fight off the uncomfortable guilt of making decisions as to whether to keep or dispose of her things.
One month later, my daughter had to send her beloved Sheltie, Jazzy across the rainbow bridge. Jazzy's health had deteriorated and the Vet told us that she had dementia, even though she was mostly blind and deaf, she had moments of not knowing where she was or what she was doing. She lived a long and very happy life of 16 years.
Then the next month after Jazzy passed away, my little Anna stopped eating. She gave up on life with her half-sister gone. I was forced to make that decision as I watched her waste away regardless of how much I tried to get her to eat. No amount of people's food was even interesting to her. It broke my heart!
I was already reeling from death that crossed my life in such a short amount of time and was now faced with saying goodbye to her as well. She didn't want to go, trying to get up while she was sedated for the last shot. The sadness was so profound in her eyes! I still feel horrible, and I miss her so much! She passed with a broken heart at the age of 15 years old. I do hope she's with Jazzy again, barking and chasing with so much happiness and freedom!
Soon after, my 28-year-old daughter fell in love with a young man, not long after my mother's death. She had been dating him for a little over a year and decided to live with him at the beginning of this year.
She and I were not agreeing with each other on many things at this point, which didn't help either of us with recovering from my mother's death, and our beloved Shelties!
I know she's very happy and eager to move on with a wonderful life of her own.
Life had changed for both of us, dramatically over the past few years.
So now, I'm a full-fledged empty-nester! My daughter is a beautiful grown woman, business successful with many aspirations and goals to accomplish in her life.
A very difficult adjustment for me as a single mom. However, like everything that is troubling in my life, I give it to God and go on.
It looks like the year 2023 will be the year I discover how to live for me and not for other people that I've taken care of for the majority of my life.
Find the hobbies I used to enjoy, and discover new ones as well. It's also the year I focus on improving my health, as old man time has taken its toll on me over the years! I haven't picked up my camera much due to having issues with numbness in my hands. Hopefully, the doctors will figure out the source and be able to fix it!
Although there has been a lot of darkness surrounding me over the past few years, there is one little bitty ray of joyful light that has come into my life.
Her name is Roxie!
Today, she's a one-year-old Pomeranian, with a rambunctious attitude! I brought her home when she was not more than 8 weeks old. It's amazing how fast she's grown up.
A little bitty fuzz ball with a wiggly, wagging tail, and bright, round button eyes, full of play, and happiness!
She's pretty darn smart, and a very good listener, with lots of kisses!
So, here's to 2023, a year of changes,
a different way of life,
and happiness!
Only God knows how the future will be.